Frozen In A Memory
by muldy
Summary: When Chakotay overstays his Holodeck time, Janeway goes to check he's alright, only to discover something she wishes she hadn't.


A/N: A huge thank you to Helen8462 for the Beta!

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 **Frozen In A Memory**

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Captain to Chakotay.'

She waited patiently, waiting for his response. She glanced at the time. It was 18:39, he was meant to be done with his holodeck time and be replacing her on the bridge so she could head to Engineering. Not that it really mattered, she was sure Harry would happily jump at the extra opportunity to be in the Captain's chair.

'Bridge to Chakotay?'

Again there was silence.

'Computer, could you please let me know Commander Chakotay's whereabouts?'

'Commander Chakotay is currently on Holodeck 2.'

She stood up, looking at Harry. She didn't have to say anything, a wide grin spread across his face and he happily bounced from his post to replace her.

'You have the bridge,' she smiled at him as he took his seat.

She made her way into the turbolift and headed for the holodeck. It wasn't that she was worried, but it was unlike him to be late when it came to duty. Or anything else.

She didn't even stop to think before entering the holodeck, she knew it was his private time, but neither of them really had any secrets from each other. At least, that's what she thought.

As she stepped into a forest she came to an instant halt. The trees were a dark green, close together and low hanging, a mountain in the background with a bare rockface sticking out from the top.

She knew this place.

And it wasn't just vaguely familiar, she knew it in great detail. She had spent three months of her life here, and it wasn't a place she had ever expected to see again.

New Earth.

Her heart froze in place.

What in the universe was he doing here? Why would he build New Earth?

She wanted to call out his name, but she couldn't find her voice. Everything inside of her had instantly frozen up.

Mustering all the energy she had, she took a few steps towards the clearing.

There it was. Their cabin. Their temporary home.

Taking a few more steps she saw what she was really looking for.

Her bathtub.

Her heart was beating loudly in her ears as she walked towards the cabin. She hadn't thought of this place in years, hadn't allowed herself the luxury of any fantasies relating to their life there. But apparently she was alone in that.

Chakotay hadn't let this go.

And he remembered every little detail.

A loud noise alerted her to the presence of the primate she had tried her best to befriend. She paused, glancing at it as it tilted its head at her and suddenly everything came rushing back. Every emotion she had felt about this placed overwhelmed her at once and she had to take a seat on a nearby rock.

Why would he reconstruct this?

Why would he want to remember this? The feeling of abandoning their crew? The hopelessness of not being able to fix the solution? Did he want to live through plasma storms and have no comforts of Voyager?

Actually, there was a good chance those things were worth remembering to him.

He had never seemed as distressed as she had been about their situation.

But then, he also hadn't reacted when Voyager returned and she had hated him for that, too. Hated the way he had just stood there, a soft smile on his face, the way he had walked off and begun packing without another word.

And the way neither of them had spoken again until they boarded Voyager.

And for the first time in three years, she let herself remember how it had felt to hear Tuvok's voice through the comm. To feel her heart shattering for a few moments before she built a wall around it and refused to pay it anymore attention.

She had never admitted it to herself but she hadn't wanted to leave this place.

Hadn't wanted to leave their relationship.

Or, at least whatever it had been about to become…

Secretly she had spent days wishing that they had crossed the line before Voyager had showed up, just so she would know what it felt like.

But then she had put that dream away. She couldn't want that.

She had to be glad they hadn't gone further than the parameters she had so determinedly stood by, because at least that way it would be easier to return to their normal lives.

Not that there had been anything easy about that.

Pushing herself back up, she walked into the cabin slowly. The details inside were as meticulous as the ones outside, and she was surprised to see her items scattered around the cabin as well as his.

She brushed her hand lightly across the tabletop, remembering the way his hands had felt as he ran them lightly through her then-long hair.

How they had so easily released the tension in her shoulders.

How within less than a minute he had managed to break through her emotional wall and for the first time she had allowed herself to understand how her First Officer really felt about her.

It had taken her a long time to shake the image of how he had looked at her when she'd stood up, and there it was again, as if she had never spent all that time trying to erase it from her memory.

'Kathryn?'

She hadn't realised there were tears in her eyes until she looked over at the man emerging from his bunk.

'What are you doing here?' she asked quietly.

'I accidentally fell asleep…' he replied simply, but his voice was heavy.

He had been caught out and he knew it.

For a few moments she simply stared at him, she could almost feel his hand wrapping around hers, feel the memory of him telling her the angry warrior story, how her heart had swelled up in her chest realising that he loved her.

Realising that she loved him.

'Why…' she couldn't even finish asking the question.

Swiftly he made his way around the table and she braced herself for his touch, after all, that's what he would have done on the real New Earth.

But it didn't come, he simply stood in front of her, his breathing shallow as he considered his next words.

'You weren't meant to see this,' he said quietly.

She glanced around the cabin again, trying to gather her strength to tell him off. She knew to anyone else it would just seem like an escape, but she knew better. It wasn't an escape from Voyager, it was an escape to a life they could have had.

One they had both wanted.

One they couldn't have.

'I'm sorry,' he continued.

And now he did reach out and touch her arm lightly.

Her eyes shot up at the contact, meeting his. She hated that she could see all the emotions in his eyes, knowing perfectly well that he could see the same ones in hers.

'Chakotay, you remembered every detail,' she whispered.

'I think about this place every day…' he seemed to say the words before registering their meaning and trailed off. 'Don't tell me you never do?'

'No,' she replied instantly. 'Chakotay, I can't think about this place. This was another life, one we can't hold onto…'

He was silent but his thumb lightly stroked her arm. 'To me this is just a chapter of an unfinished story and I guess I wanted to re-read it, to remember what it felt like to be completely happy. But it was inappropriate, and I'm shouldn't have done it.'

He dropped his hand from her arm and she watched as his face fell, his eyes damp, his shoulders slumped. He looked around the room, as if trying to remember it for a moment longer, then he spoke.

'Computer, deactivate holoprogram.'

And suddenly they were back in the grey, metallic environment of a spaceship and it felt as though Tuvok had returned and ripped her away from her happiness all over again.

She wanted to scream at him for making her feel this again, accuse him of trying to emotionally manipulate her, of reminding her of what could have been.

But she was still stuck there, frozen in a memory she had filed away.

'I guess I just wanted a chance to finish the boat,' he said quietly. 'I wanted to take you on that river trip.'

Her heart almost exploded as he said the words, his eyes clearly focused on hers for a moment. Then he look at the floor, taking a step to move around her.

She panicked.

She didn't want him to leave, she needed him.

Desire and longing took over for a moment and she put a hand on his chest, stopping him from moving any further towards the exit.

'Computer, re-activate holoprogram,' she ordered.

And they were back in their cabin.

Before she could think about it any further she gripped his shirt, pulling him towards her and allowing her lips to find his. He seemed surprised at first, but it didn't take him long before his arms wrapped around her and he was pulling her towards him, his lips softly caressing hers and it felt as though they had done this a thousand times.

There was nothing awkward or unfamiliar about this kiss, despite the fact it was their first. Everything fit perfectly.

Suddenly, he pulled away. 'Computer deactivate program,' he said sternly. 'Why did you do that?'

There was some kind of combination of anger and sorrow in his voice as he spoke and for a moment they stood in silence, staring at each other.

She felt the tears trying to push their way through her chest and into her eyes again but she pushed them away, trying to stay calm. Trying to find the Captain who had temporarily disappeared from inside her.

But she was gone.

'Because it's what I should have done that night,' she said quietly. 'The regret of not doing that when I had the chance plays on my mind as often as that place plays on yours. I stupidly thought that if I kept you at arm's length if Voyager returned, when Voyager returned, it would hurt less. But I was wrong. Hearing Tuvok's voice broke my heart.'

'So why do it now?' he asked softly.

She stood silently for a moment, realising she had no good answer.

'I don't know,' she replied. 'I'm sorry. Being there, seeing that place…'

He smiled slightly. 'I know. I'm sorry.'

'Torres to Captain Janeway.'

And it felt like they were experiencing the moment they had both tried so hard to forget all over again.

She felt the Captain return, gathering her emotions and trying to push them back into their invisible box.

'Go ahead.'

'I was just wondering if you were still planning to meet me in Engineering?'

'On my way, Lieutenant,' she replied.

She crossed her arms, looking across at Chakotay as he stared back at her. The distance between them too large and not large enough at the same time.

'I don't ever want to walk in here and see that place again,' she was trying to sound stern but she could hear the crack in her own voice

She couldn't see that place, couldn't feel the hope.

He let his gaze fall to the ground for a moment and she watched his face as he frowned slightly.

Then he looked back up at her, his face a blank slate but his eyes giving away the pain he was feeling.

'Computer, delete holoprogram AW1,' he said quietly.

'Holoprogram AW1 deleted.'

The silence that followed was overwhelming and she felt guilt start to eat away at her. It was what she had expected him to do, but it still hurt her to watch him like this.

'AW1?' she asked, partially out of curiosity, partially to break the silence.

He took a step towards her, looking her directly in the eye as he spoke. His eyes were dark, longing and adoration looking down at her.

'You know what it stands for,' he said simply.

Angry Warrior.

She didn't repeat the words out loud. She didn't need to.

'I'm sorry,' she couldn't drag her eyes away from his.

'It's okay,' he said quietly. 'When we get home I'll build you a real boat.'

And then he was gone. For a few moments she stood there in silence, trying to gather herself, then she followed him. It took her the entire journey to Engineering to make sure she wasn't about to cry.

She couldn't feel that again.

She wasn't allowed.


End file.
